All Them Witches @ Lincoln Hall Tonight! – 1.14.16


Photo by Robby

All Them Witches is a dark blues, heavy rocking jam band hailing from Nashville, TN. They’ll be in Chicago tonight at Lincoln Hall for Tomorrow Never Knows! Ranch Ghost and Old Baby are also on the bill and the show starts at 9:00PM. Get your tickets to the show HERE.

After the terrible news of David Bowie passing away a few days ago, All Them Witches posted a tribute to Bowie that they had coincidentally recorded a few months ago in their garage. Here’s the All Them Witches cover of Bowie’s “Under Pressure”.

Here’s a song of their own called “When God Comes Back” off their second album “Lighting At The Door”.

Songs For Humping Mix 5


Ripe, moist and ready, this New Year’s tip has just made its way inside of us and we couldn’t be happier about it. Like an STD test coming in clean and clear, we start this New Year off with a confident, unprotected thrust… and holy fuck does it feel amazing.

It’s raw, it’s smooth, it’s oily, it’s new.

We’re putting it in, we’re pulling it out, and we’re going in and out, and in and out, of that tight little New Year. We’re giving it our all, showing it who we are, and making it beg for more. This New Year is our bitch and we’re gunna show it who’s Daddy. Here’s Songs for Humping Mix 5:

You can also listen to Songs for Humping 5 on Spotify!

Join me, Dr. Francis Fupalord, by coming together, and sharing your sexual thoughts, questions, comments, and concerns right here on We Are The Television. Who’s with me?! Let Dr. Fupalord provide the world’s most trusted sex tips.


New Years Eve Humping Mix


New Years Eve, baby. That’s right, it’s the god-damn, sexiest night of the year, and everyone of all ages is looking to put their egg beaters into a dark place and scramble some god-damn eggs.

Doused in cologne, muffin tops tucked in, asses squeezed into tight, stupid, little clothes, everyone is making their best dumb effort to look as fuckable as possible. Shit, guys even put the condoms on their dicks before they go out.

I’m tellin’ you, New Years Eve is THE YOLO. It’s the FLEEK ON FLEEK. It’s the night to snort your year’s worth of drugs in one sitting. It’s the night to take that one last shot of whiskey that makes you want to puke. It’s the night to grab that low hanging fruit and suck the shit out of that juicy, horrible fruit.

You know what to do people. Grab your partner at the strike of midnight, make out like desperate stupid teens, peace out to make love like you’ve never made love before, and make sure your New Years Eve Humping Mix is guiding you through the first fuck of 2016.

You can also listen to the New Years Eve Humping Mix on Spotify.


3 Shows to See in Chicago on New Years Eve! – 12.31.15


1. Dean Ween & The Brownouts @ The Tonic Room

Dean Ween himself, an original member of WEEN, is fronting a Ween cover band. Odd? I think not. Everything Dean & Gene Ween do has always been equally strange and amazing, so we’re past that by now. This will definitely be a show to see if you’re in Chicago on New Years Eve. If you never got the chance to see Ween when they were active or in an intimate setting, this is probably the closest to that you’ll ever get. Tonic Room is a small little hole of a bar that is pretty damn rad if you ask me. Tickets are a steep price of $150, but that includes a top-shelf open bar all night with a champagne toast at midnight. If you don’t quite have the funds, Dean Ween & The Brownouts are also playing the night before at the Tonic Room for only $40. RSVP to the show HERE.


2. Diarrhea Planet & JEFF The Brotherhood @ Lincoln Hall


Photo by Wrenne Evans

All hail Diarrhea Planet! They are some of Chicago’s favorite rock n’ rollers. Pure punk rock n’ roll with 4 shredding guitarists. The pit will definitely be filled with all the dancing, moshing, and body surfing you can imagine. The best part is they’ll be sharing the stage with JEFF the Brotherhood, the kings of their record label Infinity Cat, for an all powerful lineup! Both bands are doing two nights in Chicago at Lincoln Hall, so you can catch this on NYE with Juiceboxxx as the opener for $35 or the night before with Tenement as the opener for $25.

Diarrhea Planet – Separations

JEFF The Brotherhood – Melting Place


 3. Mac Sabbath @ Reggie’s 


Mac Sabbath are the founders of drive-through metal! Somehow, they found a way to mix Black Sabbath songs with McDonald’s and it’s just as riveting as you’d imagine. Smash hits like N.I.B.B.L.E., More Ribs, and Lord Of The Swirl will leave you with the devil horns in one hand and a McDouble in the other. They’ll be playing with Black Angus (AC/DC Tribute) and Phat Kiss (KISS Tribute) at Reggie’s and it will only cost you $20. RSVP to the show HERE.

Tis The Season For Some Foul Ass Rap

Life on 73rd. Their raps sum up everything that’s wrong with the hip-hop scene today, but it just sounds so right. They have been off and on for years now due to multiple incarcerations and the death of one of their members and dear friends C-Hood Funyuns. Their story is a long and troubled one, but thats a tale for another day. Tis the season for some foul ass rap, so check out Life on 73rd‘s video for “Black Christmas” and listen to the whole classic Christmas DP below.

Speaking of foul ass rap… Platinum P.I.M.P.S. are back! They’re some original gangstas that were out of the game for a while, but they’re back with a fresh holiday track! Take a listen to “The Ghost of Christmas Ass“.

You can check out the Platinum P.I.M.P.S live on New Years Eve at Quencher’s Saloon. It’ll be a blast from the past with dope brews and hot ass. They’ll be bringing in the new year with Settle For Nothing and Caulfield (who are both also reuniting for this show). DJ Malort Face will be spinning some reminiscent punk/pop-punk classics of the past at midnight and I’m sure the Malort with be flowing! RSVP to the show HERE.

Thrash Xmas with the Hotones tonight! – 12.19.15


Come out for a night of thrash with The Hotones in Crest Hill, IL at Bada Brew tonight (12.19.15). They’ll be kicking off the show right at 9:00PM so don’t be late! Other bands include Deadman’s Hand, Covered In Thrash, and Vent To Atmosphere. Time to fuck shit up, get drunk, get brutal, and beat someone up just for hate. Now that’s the Christmas spirit fuckers. RSVP to the show right HERE!

Baroness release Purple Today! Listen to it HERE – 12.18.15


Photo by Jimmy Hubbard

Baroness‘s long awaited Purple is out today (12.18.15)! Their brand of heavy metal is an interesting blend of today’s new-millennial metal with intricate and intelligent guitar work that has a post-punk feel to it. Their progression from Red, to Blue, to Yellow & Green, to Purple is an interesting journey. Baroness’s first few albums brought them enough recognition to open for some monumental acts including Metallica, Mastodon, and Deftones. They had signed to a well-respected independent metal record label, Relapse Records. This will be be the first record since parting with Relapse to release Purple on their own label, Abraxan Hymns. This record also features a brand new rhythm section. Their bassist (Matt Maggioni) and drummer (Allen Blickle) left the band in 2013 following a terrible accident leaving them both with fractured vertebrae. While touring in England, their bus went over the side of a viaduct near Bath, falling 30 feet. This left many members of the band and crew injured. Their new lineup include John Baizley on guitar and vocals, Pete Adams on guitar and vocals, Sebastian Thomson on drums, and Nick Jost on bass/keyboard. Listen to Purple here on We Are The Television.

Christmas Holiday Humping Mix


Christmas is one of the world’s greatest sexual holidays. It brings people together, forming friction, forming a release. We eat, we drink, we smile and then exchange gifts for sexual favors. It’s just what we do.

There’s so much foreplay involved with the entire holiday. About one month prior, Daddy places mood lighting on the entire perimeter of the home while mommy erects a tree and places tassels on it. Arguably the most sexual night of the holiday is Christmas Eve. Mommy and Daddy sneak downstairs to eat each other’s cookies and milk one another. Daddy stuffs Mommy’s stockings and goes in and out of that dark, soot covered chimney we all call an anus!

There’s really just no way of thinking about Christmas without thinking about humping. Lets put the Christ back in Christmas, and the humping back into the holidays with your Christmas Holiday Humping Mix.

Happy Holidays from We Are The Television!

You can also listen to We Are The Television’s Christmas Holiday Humping Mix on Spotify.

Oozing Wound and a Night of Darkness


Photo by Joe Martinez

Oozing Wound fucking kills. After seeing them tear it up a few times around Chicago, I had to check them out at the Wicker Park Emporium Barcade for Darkness night. I also wanted to get some of that Surly DarknessMoral Void, DIM, and Krayola were also on the bill. When I got there, I had to try one of them Russian Imperial Stouts before I could do anything else. I asked for the barrel aged Surly Darkness 2014 because I figured I could probably pick up a 2015 later on and it was a dollar cheaper than the 2013 (I like good beer but I’m also kind of a cheap-ass). The Bartender goes to pour it and it’s gone! Just my luck, so I get the Surly Darkness 2013… and god damn that is an amazing stout. Strong and thick with a perfect chocolate and cherry blend. Such a massive taste and it got me feeling it quick.

DIM is playing and I’m just loving it. Their sound is heavy. Straight doom aesthetic but a simplicity to it that gets everybody rocking, not just the metalheads. I’m always a fan of something you can sit back and bang your head to. Well this is banging, it’s also hypnotizing. The droning synth and railing chords are enough to suck you in the and keep you there. DIM just put out this album in October and I already want more.

I stuck with Surly for the night and got their Cacao and Hell Lager. Good shit. If your cool enough with the bartenders at Emporium they’ll give you a handful of tokens with your drink and you’ll be playing games all night! Tip them well and try your best to not be a loser.

As usual, Oozing Wound kept it interesting. They shred harder every time I see them. I wouldn’t be surprised if all they do is practice. Their set was accompanied by a backdrop of a Dual Skier Competition which was hilarious and at times it was epic. In some odd way, it worked. See it for yourself! (Mute the video and turn on some Oozing Wound for the soundtrack) They also make some great music videos! Check them out below.

My only complaint for the night was that Burger Time was still broken. I love Burger Time so I was a little bummed. I still enjoyed pinball and Ms. Pacman, but it’s just not the same. So I’ve embedded the game right here for you to play while you get down to Oozing Wound.

Beer of the Night: 2013 Surly Darkness – A smooth and thick Russian Imperial chocolate stout with fruity notes and just a massive flavor to it. It’s going to get you fucked up.

Let Loose At The Church of Think! – 12.12.15


House Party baby! Get wild and let loose to a sick lineup at The Church of Think in Chicago’s Humboldt Park today (12.12.15). The music starts at 8:00PM, its BYOB, and it’s FREE! How the hell could it get any better than that? There’ll be great bands and some DJ’s spinning vinyl between sets. The whole shindig was put together by Elle Quintana, a talent buyer at Reggie’s for the past 16 years who just wants to have a good time, so be sure to thank her and pour her a shot for this madness. The bands include: Big Syn, Murder Boots, Guerilla, Blue Dream, and Killer Moon. A perfect blend of party psych punk rock doom blues bitchin’ n rippin’. Get ready to get lifted to the next level or just black out completely. Its your choice and your’s alone. RSVP to the show and ask someone for the address to the party HERE. Listen to some tunes by Killer Moon below to get you in the mood.